A Love Letter to Those of Us Who Lament a Lack of Discipline

Do you notice the way the word “discipline” feels in your body? If, for you, it feels exhilarating, click away from here. This is not for you.

Dear Fellow-who-thinks-all-you-need-is-discipline,

I wanted to tell you that I understand. It is difficult to feel, over and over again, over the course of years, maybe decades, that if you Just Had Discipline you’d be able to do what you need to do. More importantly, what you Want to do. It is difficult to feel an ever-present sense of Lacking. This is very hard. And maybe like me, the Lacking describes the absence of a necessary trait for full grownuphood. So when you think of discipline (if you just had it) you feel less-than.

I wanted to tell you that I understand this. And maybe like me, your attempts to foster it, grow it, exercise it, cultivate it have never become automated the way Real Discipline seems it must be. Maybe it’s never lasted longer than your attention for any new non-passion project. And all the way its remained effortful. Maybe there were moments when it felt good and you felt in the zone and like I Got This. And then something distracts and the grasp on Discipline is gone.

Maybe for you, a Lack Of Discipline has crept up in the ranks of self-defining elements. Maybe you secretly, at this point, believe You Are Someone Who Lacks Discipline and the underneath, quietly-spoken-inside implication is that you’re a mess. Or will never succeed. Oh, dear friend, if this is you, i’m so sorry because that belief is very hard to hold. That belief feels very, very uncomfortable.

My fellow sufferer, I want to offer something to you. First of all, my sincere compassion. And second, I want to put discipline on display a little. Because maybe you, like I have done, believe discipline is What is Needed to Succeed in this world. And so the lack of it has a downpouring of unfortunate implications. But before we move on, I think it’s important to establish what Belief means. We believe lots of things but what constitutes a belief? How about this: A notion or opinion that appears in the mind often enough that we no longer question it.

And what is discipline? By definition, it’s a description of particular practices aimed at rule-following and obedience. But what else? What about it is our source of suffering? What glamour do we perceive in discipline that we continue to aspire to it? Is it an innate trait? Maybe. Is it a habit that can be formed? Maybe. Maybe it’s both. Maybe, like any other talent, we are born with more or less of it than others and can cultivate it with practice, turning it into a skill. But like any other talent, if we’re born with less of it, all the practice in the world won’t render us More Effortlessly Disciplined than the most naturally disciplined among us. Like creativity. Or athleticism.

But let’s play for a minute with what discipline, the word, is like. What does it feel like in the body? Say it to yourself and see. What does it feel like to say the things we say to ourselves about it?

“I need discipline,” “I have no discipline,” “If i just could discipline myself,” “If i just had discipline…,” “If i were disciplined, i would be X or do Y,” “If i had discipline i would NOT be X or do Y.”

How do those phrases feel? Yes, feel. As in physically and in and through the body. Where do you feel that in your body? I’m not looking for, “It feels true” because True is not a feeling in the body. Pain is. Contraction, tightening, warmth, coolness, heat. What is the feeling of your discipline belief; your discipline problem? Does it, in general, feel uncomfortable? Because for me it surely does. A hollow but contracted feeling from throat to chest. I don’t like it. Maybe you don’t either.

So, maybe for you, like for me, the notions you hold of discipline don’t actually feel good. And when they don’t feel good, they invite a lot of other not-good feeling notions to join. Frustration, disappointment, hopelessness. And when that’s how you feel, what will you do? What will you do with your time and energy when frustration or hopelessness are there?

Dear friend, fellow sufferer, i’ll invite you to try something with me.

Let’s be brave and for a moment or longer, decide to give up all hope of ever being disciplined. And notice. What does that feel like? Yes, feel. As in the body. What does it feel like in the body to give up all hope of ever being disciplined? What does it feel like to decide to let go of all hope that someday we will do all the things we think we’d do with a bit of discipline? To toss out the notion that discipline or its lack is what stands in our way. To take the seed of our discipline hopes and crush it into smithereens. What does that feel like?

You may at first feel nervous to do that. And that’s ok. Your mind may tell you that giving up the hope of discipline means you’ll never succeed. But that’s a bit of a trick. That requires the mental formation that links the word discipline with the word success. They aren’t actually linked in anyway inherently. It’s a belief — a thought that repeats often, and evades scrutiny. So notice. What does it feel like to give up the hope of discipline? To give up all hope that some day you’ll figure out how to be disciplined so you can have your “best life”.

Notice how it feels in the body, to give up the hope of discipline. And now I'm curious, what do you find in the space created by giving up all hope of becoming disciplined? What shows up there? What is allowed by letting go of this notion of discipline? If you let go of the notion of discipline, you can meet yourself where you are. And here, what do you notice? Do you notice a natural inclination to freedom or flexibility? Might you find a remarkable talent to never live the same day twice? Might you find a bit of quiet from which you can hear your Self whisper about what’s Actually Important to you?

When we spend our precious energy, mental and otherwise, trying to Be Disciplined and Defeat Laziness or Unruliness or just Be Other Than What We Are, what are we honoring? What is it for?

Try this with me. Let go of this idea of discipline. Give it up. Because discipline doesn’t have anything, inherently, to do with what’s fundamentally important to you. The notion of it feels lousy because it’s a judgment. Did you notice that? It’s another form of Should. But in case you’ve got suspicious thoughts showing up like “how will i get anything done?” or “the last thing i need is to go easy on myself,” don’t worry. Because chaos and reprobation are not the absence of discipline. More like, the absence of direction. And we don’t find direction from discipline. Discipline is directionless, it’s just a word that describes actions of compliance. We find direction from that which is Actually Important to us. So knowing what that is or what those are is crucial.

What if, on the scale of a moment or a lifetime, you asked yourself, what’s important to me? What would you do? In this space you open up for yourself by letting go of that judgmental, stressful notion of Discipline, you could inquire about what’s important to you. What does that feel like? In the body. If you were to inquire of yourself, what is important right now? Or, what do i want my life to be about? Then what would you do? If you know what’s important you can ask yourself in any moment, what is my intention now? How does that feel in the body? Do yourself this favor and notice the difference between the body’s reactions to the words discipline and intention.

My dear fellow-in-all-this, let us be kinder to ourselves. Let’s move toward a way of life that’s not disciplined but intentional. Let’s agree to let go of this notion of discipline that’s rife with quietly told stories of failing and ushers in stress and discouragement. Because your body has had enough of that. Let’s instead invite in the space notions of what matters. Let’s let each hour, day, life answer the question: What’s Important to me? And let our actions express intention. Not discipline. And when we forget to ask, so be it. If we know we forgot, we have also just remembered. It’s never too late. The body forgives.

Yours truly,

Heather